ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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