Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
of course. lets lasso hookers.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
