She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
This beer is not sobering me up at all
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
