the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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