GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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