just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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