help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
