Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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