There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
