I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
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