he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
