My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize