Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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