so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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