I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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