1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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