Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
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Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
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I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
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