sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
