she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
