It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
