Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
