Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
