do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
