Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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