i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
