I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
