I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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