I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
