He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
