the condom got lost in my hair
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
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So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
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At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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