i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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