i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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