cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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