fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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