i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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