Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
