I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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