walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
