I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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