I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
