Heybabeimwearingurpanties
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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