last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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