Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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