it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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