I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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