i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
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