His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
