I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
