The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
