The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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