I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
