I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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