We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
