Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
