if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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