Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
