I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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