they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
