they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
