if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Randomize
